Fear, Phobias, Hypochondria and More

If you’ve never experienced any of these sensations, become a nurse. That’ll do it. Let’s start with fear. The only student nurses that don’t feel fear are serial killers, or potential serial killers.

Let’s face it, if you want to kill people, you’re given ample opportunity to do so as a nurse. And as a non-serial killing student nurse, your deepest fear is that you will accidentally kill one of your patients. Or in a worst case scenario, all of them.

And it is real.

Honestly, it’s almost impossible to kill your patient as a nursing student. Any medication you give is verified by yourself and your clinical instructor, probably twice. And then you verify it again, like, a thousand times before you actually give it. After you do this a few times and you don’t kill anyone, you relax and move on to your next fear. There will always be another. However, if fear continues or persists after your first year of employment, you are in the wrong profession.

Some of the things nurses do are incredibly unglamorous, and even gross. All nurses will tell you there’s that one thing they have to do that makes their skin crawl. We develop phobias.

For some, it’s suctioning a trach patient. Wound care on decubitus ulcers. Cleaning dentures. Removing or placing contact lenses in your patient’s eyes. C-diff. Vomit. Borderline Personality Disorder. Seriously, it can be anything, but whatever it is for you, you would almost rather die than have to deal with it.

For me, it was clocking in at the beginning of my shift.

You are exposed to all sorts of illnesses and diseases as a nursing student that you had no idea even existed before you decided to do something this foolish. But the moment you walk into the room to care for your first patient, you’re pretty sure you just came down with whatever it is they’ve got.

Nowadays you can Google stuff, or go to WebMD. In my day, it meant a lot of painstaking research, and flipping through piles of textbooks to verify all the symptoms you just came down with, or are about to come down with, now that you know what to be looking for. Like you had time for such frivolous ventures such as that. Or having a social life. Or anything that resembled a life.

Even things that aren’t contagious, like diabetes, are suddenly and inexplicably at work inside you, destroying your body. And the next thing you know, you’re calling all your friends at 2:00 AM, asking if any of them have a glucometer.

I can’t explain how this phenomena happens, I can only tell you that it does. When I was going through my OB/GYN rotation, I was pretty sure I was pregnant. Man, I wonder how Sister Mary Hitler would’ve reacted to that! And you have never seen a happier guy than I was when I got my period the following week.

More Stuff: Bedbugs. All my nurse friends just stopped reading and went to take a shower. Lice. And, they just went to take another. That’s all it takes! The Joint Commission. That’ll pucker a lots of buttholes for months.

Well, that’s about it from here. FYI, for those of you that have become avid readers of this series, I’d like to extend my sincere gratitude to each of you. I’d even give you a hug, as long as you don’t have diabetes or anything like that. It means more to me than I can say. Thank you from the depths of my heart. In addition, I’m starting a two day trek deep into the wilds of Mexico, and I have no idea if I’ll have Wifi access anywhere on the road. Now that I think about it, I don’t know when that stuff will be set up in my house.

Fear not, and be of good faith. I have a lots of stories to tell, and I have every intention of telling them all.

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