The Muppet Woman

Sue Severson gave Ailene her nickname. Ailene was one of our patients at the Minneapolis VAMC. I had been working there a little over a year, I think. I had been an RN for about three years or so. Sue was one of the nurses I worked with. She was younger than me, taller, attractive, long blonde hair. She had been at the VA longer than I had, so she was teaching me how to be a psych nurse.

“Doesn’t she look like a muppet? I mean, it looks like someone has their hand inside her head, making her jaw move, doesn’t it?” Sue said. She was getting kind of obsessed with the whole muppet theory thing.

Well, yeah, I suppose. I thought. Ailene did kind of look like a muppet. She was an older African American woman that stood about four and a half feet tall. I think she was around fifty years old when I first met her, but she looked to be closer to seventy. Her eyes were overly wide, so she had the appearance that her eyeballs were trying to jump out of their sockets. And she had one of the weirdest voices of any of my patients ever, like Elmo on helium, maybe. Ailene became the Muppet Woman that night.

The Muppet Woman was a relatively benign crazy woman most of the time. Sometimes she’d get all worked up about something, but she was easily redirected, and rarely a problem. She had never been violent or assaultive before, and therefore not a serious problem.

I was working the night shift. It had a been an uneventful night. Sue and I had been talking at the nursing station. There was one more nurse working the unit with us, a hulking taciturn woman who rarely spoke to anyone.

Sue had been telling me she had to pee for the last hour. I got up to do rounds on the unit, and had just checked on Ailene. She was in bed and appeared to be asleep. I filled in the blanks on the Rounds sheet. I was standing in the hallway facing Ailene’s room, which was about halfway down the hallway from the nursing station, when I heard the sound of a Helium Elmo being possessed by the devil. I looked up to see the Muppet Woman charging me like a fullback headed for the end zone, screaming as she ran.

I dropped the clipboard I was holding to the floor, and caught one of the Muppet Woman’s arms before she hit me. Her free hand grabbed my shirt and pulled. Hard.

Pop pop pop pop pop went the buttons, flying off my shirt and bouncing off down the hallway.

“Hey!” the other nurse we were working with said. I remember being more surprised by that nurse speaking than I was by being charged by a possessed muppet.

“Help! We need help over here!” the nurse called out toward the nursing station, then proceeded to envelope the Muppet Woman in the steam shovel maneuver. She essentially scooped the Muppet Woman into her arms and carried her down the hallway.

The only thing not perfect about her intervention was the Muppet Woman was still firmly gripping my shirt, and I was being forcefully pulled down the hallway by a possessed muppet in the arms of a big nurse moving like a bulldozer.

“We need help over here!” I said loudly, looking back over my shoulder. I saw Sue Severson fly around the corner, then fall to floor laughing when she saw me being dragged down the hall by the Muppet Woman and the Bulldozer Nurse.

Bulldozer carried the Muppet Woman, and dragged me, into a seclusion room, where we waited for a moment until back up arrived in the form of Sue, who was laughing so hard she almost peed her pants.

Bulldozer saw help arrive, and dropped her load. The Muppet Woman fell to the mattress on the bedframe, and because she still had a death grip on the front of my shirt, I fell on top of her. Sue gave out a little scream because this time she did pee her pants, a little, but that didn’t stop her from laughing.

I don’t know who Bulldozer was more irritated with by this time, the Muppet Woman, me or Sue.

“Oh! That’s enough of this nonsense!” Bulldozer snapped, and pulled me off of the Muppet Woman, who apparently had no intention of ever letting go of my shirt. And it was right about then I started wondering what I had done that had enraged the Muppet Woman in the first place. “I said enough!” Bulldozer snapped at the Muppet Woman. “Let go of him!!” she ordered, and grabbed the Muppet Woman’s arm.

“Get your fat hands off me, you gray haired old whore!” demon-possessed Helium Elmo Muppet Woman shrieked back at the Bulldozer nurse. Her crazy eyes were popping in and out of her head simultaneously.

“My hair isn’t gray,” Bulldozer replied meekly.

Sue let out a higher pitched scream, because she peed her pants again. This time, a lot.

I never did find out what I did to the Muppet Woman that made her react the way she did that night. She died not long after getting out of the hospital.

Bulldozer retired and moved to Arkansas a couple years after that incident. I loved to tell that story to my co-workers. Bulldozer never thought it was as funny as I did. And she never forgave Sue for acting so unprofessionally, and for pissing all over the floor.

Sue Severson transferred to the Outpatient Department. She was only nurse I ever worked with that laughed herself incontinent while responding to a behavioral management situation. She would eventually marry my boss and make at least one baby with him before I left the VA. She forgave herself for pissing all over the floor. So did I.

“It’s not like the Muppet Woman was actually hurting you, and you should’ve seen how funny you three looked…”

All true. I was probably in more danger when I was being dragged down the hall by Bulldozer.

But I learned some important things that night. Never, ever, let your guard down at work. Always know your crew. And take bathroom breaks. You just never know…

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