A Few More…

Remember Muffy, the cute and adorable teenage farmer’s daughter?

She went to see her doctor for her first pelvic exam. She changed into an exam gown and laid on the exam table, and her legs were in the stirrups.

The doctor placed a speculum in her vagina, and she squirmed around a little in discomfort.

“You look a bit uncomfortable.” the doctor said. “Would you like something to numb that up?”

“Yes! That would be great!”

So the doctor puts his face in her crotch and says, “Num num num num num!” 😃

* * * *

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. There are two lines outside of the Pearly Gates. The sign above one line reads Men Who Were Henpecked While They Were Alive. The line below that sign was two or three miles long.

The other sign read Men Who Weren’t Henpecked While They Were Alive. There’s one guy standing under that sign.

St Peter is checking everyone in at the gates, and looks up to see this one guy standing in line all by himself.

“Excuse me,” St Peter said. “Why are you standing in that line?”

“My wife told me to.” 😅

* * * *

Three guys are killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve going home after the office Christmas party. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. In order to get into Heaven tonight, you’re going to have to show me something that represents the Christmas season. It could be anything, but it has to have something to do with Christmas, okay?”

The first guy reached in his pockets, and pulled out a cigarette lighter. He lights it and said, “Christmas candle!”

“Well, it is Christmas…” St Peter said, and let him in.

The second guy reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He jingles the keys and said, “Christmas bell?”

“That’s a bit of a stretch, but it is Christmas…” St Peter said, and let him in.

The third reached into his pockets and pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

“Tell me, young man,” St Peter said. “How do those represent Christmas?”

“These? These are…Carol’s.” 😎

* * * *

Four nuns are killed in a car accident. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates, and says, “Welcome to Heaven! Now, before I can let you in, each of you have to answer a question. And the question is, When you were alive, did you ever touch a man’s penis?”

The first nun steps up and says, “Yes, I did. But only with my fingertips, and that’s all!”

“That’s okay, Sister.” St Peter says. “Just soak your fingers in the basin of holy water over there.”

The second nun steps up and says, “I touched a penis, too. But all I did was give my boyfriend a handjob, that’s all! And then I became a nun!”

“Oh, don’t worry, Sister. Go soak your hand in the holy water.”

St Peter looks up, and the last two nuns are punching each other and pushing each other trying to get to the front of the line.

“Hey! Hey there! What’s going on here?!?” St Peter shouts, and one of the nuns says, “You don’t expect me to gargle with that stuff after she sits in it, do you?” 😓

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