Radar and The Cosmic Kid

I’ve mentioned the names of some of the guys I shared the Dental barracks with, way back when I was in the Army. It would seem my Muse, or Muses, have decided it’s time to elaborate on at least some of them.

Today’s Muse is probably Urania, but Thalia will certainly be whispering in my other ear.

* * * *

I arrived at Fort Sill in January of 1975. It was my permanent duty station according to the contract I’d signed with my recruiter, Sergeant First Class Robin Hood.

I’m not making that up.

When I arrived at Fort Sill, I had to be processed in because I was new to Army life, and the half a ton of paperwork the Army had already generated on me just wasn’t enough. I was delivered to the Main Processing Station. It was a huge building about the size of a football field with an huge office filled with desks and clerks and stuff. The rest of the building was bunks and latrines and stuff.

It was essentially a way station, like unto the Army’s version of Purgatory. Once all your paperwork was processed, a clerk from the MPS would contact your company, and someone would come pick you up so you could begin your Army career. It usually took two or three days.

I was at the MPS for a week. The clerk handling my paperwork was new to his position, and he forgot to call my company.

I didn’t mind hanging out at the MPS. I didn’t have much of anything to do except get cleaned up and dressed in the morning, and march to the nearest mess hall to eat with the rest of the guys being processed in. The rest of my day was free time, which I spent reading, or writing to Maureen.

I would’ve been happy to do that for the next two and an half years, but someone in the MPS finally asked what the hell I was still doing there and my company was notified that I had been processed, and someone came to pick me up.

That person was PFC Randall J. Paul.

Randy was from Los Angeles, CA. If there’s such a thing as a Valley Guy, Randy would’ve been one. Totally, man. He was a tall, pudgy guy with a huge honker of a nose. He looked like an older kid that had never lost his baby fat. Or a really tall cartoon penguin…

“Hey, are you PFC Rowen?” he asked. I was lounging on my bunk, reading. I looked up at him and nodded. “Well, c’mon, let’s go! I’m here to take you to Dental Headquarters. My name’s Randy. You can be my roommate.

“Well, okay, we won’t be roommate roommates, but we’ll be kinda roommates. There’s a shared bathroom between our rooms at the barracks. You’ll see what I mean when we get there. The room next to mine is empty, so you can bunk there.

“I’m so fuckin’ glad you’re here, man! Now you can take over my job and I can become a dental lab technician! I’ve been waiting to do that for a year…”

* * * *

I’m pretty sure Randy talked nonstop for the next six hours, like he was a manic bipolar trying to tell me his life story and everything I’d need to know about the Army without taking a breath in between. Randy’s monologue was punctuated with a whole lots of “…you’ll see what I mean–You’ll figure it out–It’ll all fall into place.” And, “Fuck the Army!!”

Well, it’s not like he was trying to do that. That’s exactly what he did. And years later, when I was a psych nurse, I’d discover Randy really was bipolar…

Our first stop was Dental Headquarters, where I would learn I wouldn’t be a dental assistant, I would become the new supply driver, and Randy would train me to replace him. James Toney, the clerk who would possibly save my ass with his testimony during my court-martial, couldn’t stop shaking my hand.

“Thank God you’re here.” he kept saying.

That first day was a blur to me. We stopped off at the barracks to drop off my gear, and Randy showed me my room, and I got to see what he meant when he said we’d be kinda roommates.

I accompanied Randy as he picked supplies up at the warehouse, linens from the laundry, and he introduced me to everyone at the four dental clinics on base. And when the work day ended, he introduced me to everyone in the barracks. They actually threw a little impromptu Welcome to the Barracks party for me in the dayroom.

Don One and Don Two. Mike. There were two Mikes, but Mike Two was called The Horne. If you fuck with the bull, you get The Horne. Tommy. Johnny. Virg. Brother Al. Lightning Bob. Jesse. Roger. And, Randy.

We drank beer and I tried to remember everyone’s names. They told me where they were from, and stuff. I told them where I was from, and stuff. And Randy rambled on philosophically about anything and everything.

“So, what do you think about your new kinda roommate?” The Horne asked me, when Randy finally did stop talking long enough to take a breath.

“Yeah, well, I don’t know. He’s too…cosmic…for me.”

A stunned silence filled the room, and you could actually see it, the lightbulbs coming on over their heads.

“Yeah, cosmic!” Roger said softly, followed by an equally soft chuckle.

“W-w-wow!” Don One said. “W-w-we’ve been trying to figure him out for a year, and you fuckin’ nail it in five minutes!”

“It’s like he has radar or something.” Don Two said.

“He fuckin’ looks like Radar!” Johnny added.

So two nicknames were born that day. Randy and I became Radar and the Cosmic Kid.

* * * *

What can I say? Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and then. You might think I’m overly critical of myself, and I probably am. I tend to see clearly now the things I couldn’t see at all back then, but I’ve skipped ahead, and I know how this chapter turned out.

And the things I was able to see, well, they were so obvious that probably anyone could’ve seen them.

My early adult life appears to be the perfect example of what can happen if you don’t have a plan. How I ended up faring as well as I did is probably one of the great mysteries of the modern world, but only if you don’t believe in God.

What I see looking back is a really smart guy who was seemingly addicted to doing stupid stuff. Add in loss, heartbreak, rue and regret. Gently mix in drug and alcohol abuse. Rinse. Repeat.

That’s the part that kind of chaps my ass now. I really wish I had chosen to do something differently sooner.

* * * *

So, I moved into the barracks and essentially disappeared for about a month while I painted and decorated my room. I hated the pale puke green color the interior of the barracks had been painted back in World War II. I picked up some cheap ass carpeting and folded it to fit the two parts of my room.

Then I went for a cross country night march in the rain and broke my ankle. Randy and I started spending a fair amount of time with each other while my ankle healed, and we talked a lots.

“Wow. You might have a lotta book smarts, but you really don’t know much about life, do you.” was the Cosmic Kid’s assessment of me. I couldn’t really argue much with that.

We hung out with Roger and I unknowingly became his student.

Maureen and I broke up, and my free fall into Hell began. I started smoking pot, and because it’s a gateway drug, the Doorway to Oblivion opened, and I walked through.

Hashish. Amphetamines. PCP. LSD. Cocaine. Psilocybin mushrooms. Codeine. Oxycodone. Peyote. Mescaline. Heroin.  I eventually added all of them to my resume.

I stopped learning things out of books.

* * * *

Some of my cousins did a family history, tracing back our ancestry to the 1700’s. I discovered that I come from a long line of suicidal alcoholics. The successful people in my family tree were the ones who kept drinking.

So, the question is, would I have wandered down the path I chose even if Maureen and I had stayed together? The answer is yes. I wasn’t a leader back then, I was a follower. And seeing how all the cool kids in the barracks were doing drugs, and I wanted to be cool, there’s no doubt in my mind that I would have ended up where I did.

The only other question is, would I have embraced the drug culture as fully as I did if I hadn’t gone completely rudderless in the prevailing currents of the time?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe. Probably.

Yeah. That’s probably it.

* * * *

As exhausting as being around Randy could be, given his manic energy and cosmic consciousness, we ended up becoming good friends. We played Frisbee. We became storm chasers during tornado season. We played pool and fooseball in the dayroom. I helped Randy paint his room.

We drank and smoked and snorted and popped pills while we did all of the above.

Randy bought me a set of Mickey Mouse ears when he went home on vacation, and I wore them one day when I made my deliveries.

I went to dinner with Roger one evening and became a superstar the next day. I was found innocent of all charges when I was court-martialed, and became an even more legendary superstar.

“You have done well, my son.” Randy said. “Maybe you should go back to reading books…”

* * * *

“Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.” – Freewheelin’ Franklin

* * * *

The life of a marijuana aficionado revolves around weed. When it’s abundant, life is good. When it isn’t, there are no words to describe the indescribable hell that life becomes.

Back then, pot wasn’t legal anywhere, and you had to know a guy or twenty to make sure you could almost always get it. Thanks to Roger, I knew a lots of guys, and after he left, I became the guy everyone came to see when they couldn’t get what they needed.

I never became a dealer, but I became a great middle man.

There came a time when no one had any pot, and there was a great drought of weed, and a terrible famine lay all upon the land, and all the people languished.

“Man, you gotta do something!” Randy said to me. “I’m fucking dying here!”

“Let me make some calls.”

From Roger, I knew I had to be smarter than the cops, and you never knew who might be listening in on your conversations. So I invented a code word for weed with the guys I dealt with most. I would say I was looking for Bob, and had had they seen him lately?

It was perfect.

But the cupboard was bare at the home of every dealer I knew, and none of them had seen Bob in awhile. One of them said he didn’t know who Bob was anymore, and even I started panicking.

I decided to call a guy I had met once. I tended not to deal with guys I didn’t know very well, but desperate times require desperate actions.

This guy wasn’t in on my code.

“Bob? Who the fuck is Bob?”

“You know, weed.” I whispered into the phone.

“Oh! That Bob! I’ve got one ounce. Forty bucks. You get here first, you get it” Click.

I have no idea what an ounce of pot sells for now, but back then the going rate was twenty bucks, so what this guy was asking was ridiculous.

“I’ll split it with you.” Randy said, handing me a twenty.

I had a little trouble finding the guy’s place. I had only been there once, but he still had the bag when I got there. He was a Mexican guy named Felix or something. There was only one problem. The weed he wanted to sell me didn’t look like any bag of weed I’d ever seen before. It looked like dried beans sprouts or something. And the baggie wasn’t half full, it was totally full, and was as fat as a proverbial singing lady.

“Is this even weed?” I asked.

“If that shit doesn’t knock you on your ass, man, I’ll give you your fuckin’ money back.”

Drugs never come with a money back guarantee, so I gave the guy forty bucks and drove back to the barracks.

“What the fuck is this shit? This isn’t even dope! What is that? Bean sprouts?!? Give me my money back! Let’s go back to that beaner’s house and beat the shit out of him!!!”

“I have a better idea. Why don’t we try it first.”

“Well, it doesn’t taste bad…” Randy said as we smoked a bowl. “Actually, that tastes pretty good!” he decided. “Holy shit! What is this stuff? My head feels like it just floated away…” Randy said, and his voice sounded like it was floating away with his head. “Jesus, man! I think you better take me to the Emergency Room…”

I turned to look at Randy. He was pale as a winter morning, and drenched with enough sweat that he looked like he’d been standing outside during a monsoon. Swarms of beads of perspiration were literally running down his face in waves.

“I’m serious, Mark. I think I’m going to die. You gotta do something, man.”

“Where would you like to be buried?” I asked, then started laughing as if that was the funniest line ever spoken.

“Goddamn! That’s cold, man! I can’t believe you’re gonna just sit there and let me die! You’ve become a real bastard, man!”

“Hey, Cosmo, take a couple of deep breaths and get a grip. I smoked the same stuff you did, and I’m not dying. Suppose I take you to the ER. What am I gonna tell them? Well, doc, we were just sitting around the barracks, and we weren’t smoking pot or anything, when all of a sudden my buddy decided he was fuckin’ dying? I’m not taking you to the ER, try taking a cold shower or something. Maybe that’ll help.”

And, it did. Fifteen minutes later Randy returned, and he no longer looked like the world’s worst weather system.

“What’s that?” Randy asked, as I handed him a twenty dollar bill.

“You said you wanted your money back.”

“I changed my mind. Give me my half of the bean sprouts, bitch.”

I have no idea what the fuck was in that bag, but I know it wasn’t pot. And even if it was bag of baby pot plants, those suckers had to have been laced with something, but again, I have no idea what.

Whatever it was we smoked, it was enough to get to get us through the drought, and there was much rejoicing.

* * * *

Life can be unpredictable when you’re in the military, but one thing that you can count on is the people you’re stationed with are only temporary. The Old Timers started leaving. Roger left, then Don One, and Don Two, and Mike. The Horne, Virg and Lightning Bob were gone. The FNG’s came in to replace them.

Tommy, who had never been part of our group–he’d hung out with the Dons and Mike–started hanging out with me and Randy.

“I at least know what to expect from you two. Nothing but trouble. But it’s better than getting to know someone that just got here.”

Tommy was a good old boy from Texas, and that was his given name. Not Thomas or Tom. He was a big man, and he didn’t look anything like a Tommy.

Tommy and Randy actually became real good friends, I wasn’t at the barracks a whole lots by that time in my life. I had become a legendary party animal, and I had rounds to make in my community.

Randy was next up to depart, so Tommy decided we should take him out for dinner, seeing how we were the only three Old Timers left. We decided to take Randy to a place somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. And seeing how it was the last time we’d ever be together, Randy decided to pull a nothing but trouble prank on Tommy Boy.

I know it wasn’t in Lawton, it was an out of the way place that you had to know about to find, but just where it was I have no idea. It was a big place, one of those family style country restaurants that serve Mom’s Home Cooking kind of meals.

The huge restaurant was packed. The tables were filled with families, Mom and Dad, a lots of bunches of kids of every age. Gramps and Granny were sporadically dotted around the tables in the restaurant.

We had drinks. We had appetizers. We had a down home meal with all the fixin’s, and dessert, then Randy unleashed his surprise attack.

For those of you who didn’t grow up in the 70’s when drugs were cool and paraphernalia was even cooler, you could buy strawberry flavored rolling papers that were an electric pink color.

The only thing anyone ever smoked in a paper that color was pot, but Randy rolled a tobacco cigarette in an electric pink paper, a good old big one, and put it in his pocket.

“Man, that was a damn fine meal. Good food, good friends, cold beer, man, I can’t think of anything else that I need right now. Actually, there is one thing. The only thing that could make this better is a joint. Oh! I have one right here in my pocket, and I’m going to fire this bad boy up!”

He reached into his shirt pocket, and pulled out the electric pink cigarette. You could smoke cigarettes in restaurants back then. Tommy’s eyes just about jumped out of his skull.

“Randy! Jesus! What the fuck are doing, man!” Tommy whispered furiously at Randy. “What are trying to do, get us arrested?!?” as Randy put the monster pink cigarette to his lips. “Randy! Have you lost your fucking mind!! If you light that–”

And Randy lit it.

I wish you could have been there to see it, the range of emotions that raced across Tommy’s face as Randy lit that cigarette. Surprise. Shock. Stunned shock. Fear. Anger, rage and then relief, followed by,

“Oh, you sonuvabitch! I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you for that. Did you know about this, Radar? I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you, too!”

* * * *

Randy left in early October of 1976. Only Tommy and I, and Raoul remained of the original barracks bums.

We sent Randy off in the evening, he got off to a late start for a guy that was getting out of the fucking Army! But then, he wasn’t the most organized guy I’ve ever known.

“I’m gonna miss that cosmic motherfucker.” Tommy said.

* * * *

I wouldn’t have to. Randy and I stayed in contact for years. He called me all the time when I was still in the Army. He even came to visit me once, driving from California in an old pick up truck. He couldn’t believe Raoul and I were best friends.

He’d call me at work when I was a psych nurse at the MVAMC. He called me at home. My lovely supermodel wife would shake her head and leave the room when he called. Randy moved to Wichita, KS, got married, had a daughter.

He called me at home early one morning after I gotten off of a stretch of nights. This was probably in the mid-ninties. He said he was depressed. He had a loaded gun, and he was going to kill himself.

“Where’s your family?”

His daughter was in school. His wife was at work, but she’d be home at noon. I kept him on the phone for four hours until his wife came home and convinced him to go to the VA for help. He was assessed, and sent home.

I called to see how he was doing the next day.

“Oh, they told me I was bipolar or some bullshit like that, and they wanted me to start taking a bunch of fuckin’ meds, man. I told them to go fuck themselves, and they told me to go home.”

* * * *

He called several months later at work again to tell me he had six months to live. He had cancer. It was a Friday in April. I told my horrible boss what my Army buddy had just told me on the phone, and  I was driving to Wichita as soon as my shift ended, but I’d probably be at work on Monday.

“Go! Let me know if you need anything!”

Maybe she wasn’t all horrible…

,* * * *

Lea and I arrived in Wichita at 4:00 AM. We checked into a no-tell motel, got a couple hours of sleep, took a shower, then went to see my dying buddy. His wife answered the door.

“Hi. I’m Mark. I’m Randy’s Army buddy–”

“Mark!! Oh my God! I’m so glad to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much about you! I feel like I’ve known you all my life!” she said, giving me a bone crushing hug. She was a big woman. “What’re y’all doing in Wichita?” She saw my wife, so she stepped outside to hug her, too.

“I’m so sorry,” Lea said. “This must be so terrible for you. Randy called yesterday and told Mark he had six months to live. We jumped in the car and drove all night, but we’re here!”

“What? Six months?? There’s nothing wrong with Randy! He’s not going to die!”

“The hell he isn’t!” my wife said. “I’m going to fucking kill him myself!”

“He doesn’t have cancer?”

“Oh God no! The doctor told him he needed to quit smoking, or he’d die from cancer…  I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you. Thank God you’re here. Thank God!”

I explained to Lea that Randy was bipolar, and she decided not to kill Randy. She finally calmed down, but I don’t think she’s ever forgiven Randy for that.

We spent the day with Randy and his family. As evening fell, Randy and I went for a walk so I could explain Bipolar Disorder to my friend, and the treatments available. Randy actually listened to me without interrupting every five seconds, and he appeared to be thinking about what I’d said.

“Do you have any questions?” I asked. We were sitting on a picnic table in a park near his house.

“Yeah. What was it like fucking Raoul’s wife? Man, she was hot! Jesus, Rowen, you should see your face! You look just like Tommy did when I lit up that fake joint in the restaurant!” Randy said, laughing as if he’d just uttered the funniest line ever spoken.

I have no doubt that my face perfectly mimicked Tommy’s face that night. And for a moment, I thought I might kill Randy myself.

My affair with Nadina had happened just before Randy left. I know I didn’t tell him I was tapping Nadina while her husband was out of town. Did I?

“How did you know?” I decided to ask.

“Because you went over to her house every day after work that week Raoul was at Fort Sam, and you didn’t come back to the barracks until the sun was coming up! What else could you have been doing? Playing cards? You should have seen yourself, man, you looked like you were going to die, man! And every day you looked worse! By the end of the week, you could barely walk!”

“Who else knew?” I asked, when I could finally speak.

“Only me. I was kinda your roommate, remember? I knew when you were home and when you weren’t. I didn’t tell anyone, I promise! Not even The Horne, or Tommy. And I sure as hell didn’t tell Raoul!”

I was able to breathe again, and that was good, but I couldn’t stop shaking. I stared at the ground for the longest time, unable to even think.

“Hey, are you okay? Jesus, maybe I should take you to the ER. Or maybe you should take a cold shower…”

Yeah, maybe…

I eventually looked up, and found that I could smile.

“I gotta tell you something, you’ve got the biggest balls of anyone I’ve ever known. And the most guts. Remember when we met? You were that naive kid from Montana who didn’t know the difference between pot and acid.

“You were the FNG who walked halfway across Fort Sill on a broken ankle, man! We went tornado chasing in the dark because you said you’d never seen one in person! We goddamn near died at least twice, but you never let a little thing like almost dying to death stop you!

“You were a heartbroken trainwreck that tried to kill himself and couldn’t smile for a month, and next thing anyone knows, you’re dating strippers, smoking weed, dropping acid, snorting drugs and popping pills like candy, and getting drunker than everyone else in the barracks, combined!

“You were the ultimate party animal, man! No one could keep up with you! You beat the fucking Army at its own fucking game! You took those fuckin’ fucks in Headquarters on, and you won! Remember that!

“You didn’t have a clue who you were, but you became the leader of the barracks. You fucked with The Horne, and you put that fuckin’ loudmouth in his place! Man, I still can’t believe you did that!

“And to top it off, you make love to the most beautiful woman on the planet, and then become best friends with the guy whose marriage you destroyed, and you didn’t even blink! If that doesn’t take balls, I don’t know what does!

“And look at you now, all straightened out, registered nurse, married to a fucking supermodel! You aren’t human, man. You have to be some kind of a god!”

“Oh, I’m not all that straight.” I finally replied. That was a lots for me to take in. “I still drink, and smoke pot. I’m human, man. Just like you. Just like everybody else. I don’t see myself in the same light you do. It seems pretty dark to me now, looking back. I have no idea how I survived.”

“Dude, no one else does either! I’ll tell you something, I never knew if you’d be dead or alive when the morning came. None of us did! We were going to have a pool on how long you were going to live, but Roger wouldn’t let us.”

“I miss him. I loved that guy.”

“We all did, he was the best. But you became even better than him.”

* * * *

I never saw Randy again. We talked on the phone frequently. His daughter grew up and went to college. His wife left him, she told him she couldn’t take it anymore and had to get off the roller coaster.

After that, I don’t know…

A friend of mine who reads my posts once commented that I have lived a crazy life. Well, I did hang out with a lots of crazy people.

If you ever want to know what’s happening on a psych unit, ask a patient. Randy was never one of my patients, but he had a psychiatric disorder or two. He never missed a trick, and he never forgot anything. Randy’s assessment of me was spot on.

I’ve been blessed with a lots of really tremendous friends, even when I probably didn’t deserve the kind of friendship they offered.

Thank you Randy, for your honesty and candor, and your cosmic viewpoint. I credit Roger the most for helping me become the person I’ve become. His humility and common sense were qualities I’ve tried to incorporate into the man that I am.

Okay, I haven’t done so good with the humility part…

But there’s a part of Randy in me, too. That’s the part that looks at almost everything from a different point of view. The part that looks for other solutions than the accepted ones. The part that seeks the Truth. The part that keeps searching in the dark, even if it’s dangerous.

Hey, you can’t let a little thing like the threat of death stop you. You only live once, and we all have to die from something.

The United States of America v. Mark Edward Rowen

The highlight, or lowlight, of my illustrious military career was my court martial, depending on how you view these things. My lovely supermodel wife thinks it’s deplorable. I think it’s kind of epic. It was something that only could’ve occurred in the military.

It happened way back when the Army wanted me to drive a truck. I delivered supplies to the four dental clinics on Fort Sill. It was a piece of cake job.

I drove to the motor pool in the morning, past the barracks in which I used to reside, and picked up my truck. Okay, it was actually a two seat panel van. Then I went to eat breakfast at the cafeteria at Reynolds Army Hospital. I drove to the warehouse and loaded up on whatever had been delivered, then went to the base laundry to pick up clean linen. The rest of the day was deliveries, lunch, and more deliveries. I dropped off all the soiled linens I had collected from all the clinics at the base laundry, and that was my day.

There was an unspoken rule between me and the staff of Dental Headquarters. When my deliveries were done, so was I. It made no difference what time it was. The company clerk, James Toney, who was technically the first link in the chain of my command, had approved this detail with me.

It was unprecedented in the annals of history at Dental Headquarters, but I was incredibly efficient, and James Toney liked me. My first sergeant knew about it. My second lieutenant executive officer knew about it. They were okay with it, off the record. My commanding officer didn’t know about it, but he wouldn’t have approved it if he had known, on or off the record. He didn’t approve of me.

Colonel Konze knew who I was. I had been summoned to his office more than once so he could read me the riot act about my attitude and complete lack of military bearing. For example, one day I made all of my deliveries wearing a set of Mickey Mouse ears.

I had so much fun that day…

The day in question was a Friday. The time was 2:00 PM. Technically, I was supposed to be on the clock for the US Army until 4:00 PM. I had completed all my appointed rounds, and stopped at Headquarters to let everyone know I was done for the day. Have a good weekend. See you Monday. I went out to the loading dock where my van was parked.

It wouldn’t start. The starter was shot.

I went back inside and informed the company clerk. He told me to tell the first sergeant. I walked across the hall. First Sergeant Garcia and Second Lieutenant Steffler shared an office. I told them about the van.

“The van won’t start, the starter’s shot. We need to call the motor pool. They’re going to have to send a tow truck.”

“Okay. I’ll take care of it.” Lieutenant Steffler said.

My duties, as I understood them, had been fulfilled. So, I went home.

That was the series of events that occurred. And for that, I would eventually end up in front of a military court of law.

I was living off base at the time. I had rented a house with two of my Army buddies, one of whom was Sergeant Raoul Sanchez–the guy that had transformed into Satan on our epic trip to Texas. At the time this happened, that trip was still way off in the future. And there was another adventure with Raoul and his wife lurking out there in the future, waiting to devour me…

I changed into my civilian clothes. I had most likely popped open a beer and was listening to music, when the phone rang. It was the company clerk, James Toney. He informed me the world had stopped spinning, and I needed to get back Headquarters, ASAP! He wasn’t a nurse or a doctor, so he couldn’t say STAT.

“What’s the problem?”

“The lieutenant’s pissed that you left!”

I talked to Toney for a few minutes. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but Toney was clear. I needed to get back to Headquarters immediately. So I immediately jumped in my car and drove back on base. In my civilian clothes. And marched into the XO’s office.

Lieutenant Steffler looked stunned when he saw me standing in his office. Maybe because I was wearing civilian clothes, but I’m not sure.

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been looking for you for the last hour!”

“My deliveries were done. I went home.”

“You left your vehicle parked at the loading dock!”

“I told you it wouldn’t start. And you said you’d take care of it.”

Strict military protocol was rarely observed at Dental Headquarters. We mostly addressed each other my name, not by rank. We did say Sir, and stuff like that, when we had to.

“You abandoned your post, soldier!” Lieutenant Steffler screamed. His face had turned bright red.

“What?” I seriously could not believe what I was hearing. “Have you called the motor pool?”

“What? No! I’ve been too busy looking for you!”

“Well, why don’t you call them now. Sir.”

“Don’t tell me how to do my job, Rowen!” His face had turned even redder, if that were possible. “Go out to the loading dock, and wait there until someone from the motor pool arrives!”

I went out to the loading dock, and lit a cigarette. My buddy Raoul worked in the dental prosthetics lab making dentures at the Headquarters Clinic. He joined me on the loading dock. He lit a cigarette, and exhaled slowly.

“Let me give you a little advice, amigo. You’re going to be given an Article 15 for this…”

Raoul had been in the Army a lots longer than I had been, and he understood the convoluted way the military worked. There were two types of Articles 15: a company grade, and a field grade. Now, because our company commander was a colonel, I would be getting a field grade Article 15, and a field grade Article 15 was essentially the same, in terms of punishment, as being court martialed.

Raoul’s voice was almost mesmerizing that day. He had a Texas/Hispanic accent, and he matter of factly went through his outline as though he could see it unfolding in front of him. I didn’t know any of this crap, and that’s what I thought it was.

“So, when the colonel offers you an Article 15, you turn it down, and take the court martial, you understand?”

I remember looking at Raoul as if he had transformed into Satan. I couldn’t believe this ridiculous series of events would, or even could, result in me being court martialed. And I told him that.

“Yeah, well, amigo, you just remember what I said.”

Right about then, two old retired Army guys, who were now Civil Service employees, pulled up in an olive green military pick up truck. One of them got behind the wheel of my broken down van and turned the key.

“Yep, the starter’s shot. We’re gonna need a tow truck.”

* * * *

Somewhat unbelievably to me, everything played out exactly as Raoul had predicted. I was called into my commanding officer’s office the following Friday. He was going to authorize Article 15 proceedings. I had seventy-two hours to decide whether to accept it or not. If I declined, court martial proceedings would be initiated.

I spent the weekend verbalizing my disbelief to Raoul and getting drunk. On Monday, I returned to Colonel Konze’s office and informed him I wasn’t going to accept the Article 15. He looked at me like I had transformed into Satan.

“I think you’re making a big mistake, son.” he said, and signed my court martial papers. Because the Dental Service was attached to the Medical Service, my court martial would have to be approved by the MEDDAC Commander, Colonel Bishop.

I had one last chance to make an appeal to someone that would surely see the absurdity of all this.

“Don’t count on it.” Raoul said. He was convinced that our XO was tired of being a second lieutenant, and wanted to be a first lieutenant. In order achieve that, he had to prove to the Brass that he could fuck with the enlisted men, and that’s how all this bullshit got started.

* * * *

I waited outside the office of the MEDDAC Commander, Colonel Bishop. Interesting military factoid: the MEDDAC Company Commander was an enormous man, Captain Fatty. I can’t remember his real name. However, if good old Captain Tons of Fun had initiated my disciplinary action, it would’ve been a company grade Article 15, and according to Raoul, I could’ve accepted that as punishment.

I knew exactly what I was going to say to Colonel Bishop when he asked me what got happened. I walked into his office, and delivered a sharp salute.

“Ah, Specialist Rowen,” Colonel Bishop said as he took his seat. My paperwork was on his desk in front of him. Colonel Bishop didn’t even look up at me, nor did he ask for my side of the story. “I’ve heard all about you.” He signed the papers approving my court martial without so much as one word of explanation from me.

I was in an absolute state of shock. I couldn’t believe any of this was happening. All because my goddamn van wouldn’t start.

* * * *

I received a huge packet of paperwork prior to my court martial outlining the charges against me. At top of the first piece of paper it read:

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA v. MARK EDWARD ROWEN

That was, like, everyone in the entire country, including my Mom and Dad, and my brothers and sisters. Everyone. It amazes me to this day.

I was assigned an attorney at the JAG Office. Actually, I ended up with a defense team. I can’t remember how that happened, but it was another thing that occurred once every two hundred years. I was charged with ‘Willful Dereliction of Duty.’ My lawyers thought this was one of most egregious miscarriages of military justice they had ever seen, but they were also surprised by the charges.

“Willful Dereliction of Duty isn’t easy to prove. They should’ve charged you with Neglect…”

I credit the DENTAC Company Clerk, James Toney, for that. Neglect might be easy to prove, but the punishment is akin to a slap on the hand. You can go to prison for Willful Dereliction of Duty, and my commanding officers wanted to bust my balls. After my trial was over, and we could legally discuss it, Toney told me he had convinced Steffler to go big when charging me.

“I knew they’d have no problem convicting you of Neglect, but didn’t think they had enough to convict you for Dereliction of Duty. Lucky for you, Steffler and Konze hated you so much they fell for it. The only one that thought it was a bad idea was the First Sergeant.”

My defense team’s strategy was simple. There was no one to counter the prosecution’s claim about my state of mind when I abandoned my broken down vehicle at the loading dock, or to call into question the series of events that then transpired. So, they subpoenaed five dentists to refute the prosecution’s claim that I was a bad soldier.

All of my officer and a gentleman character witnesses were captains, and they all came from the same dental clinic, Dental Clinic #3, which was my personal favorite of all the clinics on Fort Sill. It had the greatest staff, and the cutest WAC’s. All five of them enthusiastically agreed to testify on my behalf. My defense team’s tactic would essentially shut down that clinic for at least half a day, which would impact productivity.

“Maybe they’ll think twice about doing this again.” my lead counsel said.

I had a choice between a trial with a jury of my peers, or a judge only. My defense team urged me to choose a judge only. I agreed with their suggestion. After all, they were the experts.

* * * *

My court martial was scheduled for early March of 1976. Two of my friends, Sergeants Rittenhouse and Beaver, were assigned to escort me to court. They had each been issued a set of handcuffs and a pistol. I was surprised to see that. My buddy Raoul had neglected to mention that small detail. I put my hands behind my back, and presented myself to my military escort as if I were being arrested.

“Oh, please, Mark,” Rittenhouse said. “I feel bad enough about having to do this shit already. You’re gonna make me cry.” What can I say? I was a popular guy.

We drove to the courthouse. The clerk of court, Mike Perkins, was also a friend of mine. We had run into each other a few times at parties. I didn’t know everyone on base, but I knew a lots of people. Mike would be dead in a few months, murdered by another friend of mine, Roy Bowman.

The trial was swift. The prosecution called several witnesses. James Toney, the company clerk. First Sergeant Garcia. Second Lieutenant Steffler. And couple of friends of mine that worked at the Headquarters Clinic. They had been subpoenaed to testify to the fact that Lt. Steffler had ordered them to search the clinic for me, and that I was nowhere to be found. Oh, and when I finally did appear, I was out of uniform.

The only glitch in the presentation of the prosecution’s overwhelming evidence against me was a remark from James Toney. He intentionally mentioned the unspoken rule that existed at Headquarters regarding the completion of my deliveries and the end of my day.

I don’t know how much that bit of evidence weighed when it came to determining the outcome of my trial, but it certainly didn’t hurt anything. And Toney took one helluva risk in saying it.

Thank you, James. That was a gutsy move, my friend.

The prosecution rested its case.

In my defense, Captain Howard Hardy was called. Howard was an interesting guy. He hated the Army. He hated most of his fellow dentists. He had a super hot looking girlfriend, and they liked hang out with me and my friends and get drunk and smoke pot.

Howard testified about my outstanding character, and what an excellent job I did delivering supplies to the dental clinics. And he was positive I would never willfully disobey an order, nor would I ever abandon my post or shirk my duties to the Army, or my country.

“Let me guess,” the judge said to my legal team. “You have four more witnesses that are basically going to repeat what Captain Hardy just said?”

“Yes, your honor.” my lead counsel replied.

“I don’t need to hear that.”

I was called to the stand to tell my side of the story. My attorney questioned me about the events, and about the unspoken rule that existed at Headquarters concerning my deliveries and the end of my day. The prosecution cross examined me, and that was it. The defense rested its case. My trial lasted maybe forty minutes. The judge retired to his chambers to review the evidence.

And he stayed there.

It was a dreary, cloudy day. A fine drizzle of rain was falling. I walked over to a window to gaze upon the grayness of the day, thinking that it perfectly mirrored the way I felt inside.

“Hey,” a soft voice whispered near my left ear. I turned to look toward the voice. It was my soon to be murdered buddy, Mike Perkins. “Just so you know, this judge is usually really fast. The longer he takes to make a decision, the better it is for you.”

Let him stay there all day! I thought. Roughly half an hour later, the court was called to order, the judge took his seat. I stood at attention while he announced his decision.

“Specialist Fourth Class Mark Edward Rowen, you have been charged with Willful Dereliction of Duty, which in my opinion, is not an easy thing to prove. I’ve listened to the testimony, and evaluated the evidence presented, and based on that, I think you’re guilty of Neglect. However, you weren’t charged with that, therefore, I find you not guilty.”

The courtroom erupted. My officer and a gentleman character witnesses started cheering. Sgts. Rittenhouse and Beaver were jumping up and down. My friends who had been forced to testify against me, including James Toney, rushed over to me to congratulate me. Soon to be killed to death clerk of court, Mike Perkins, smiled in my direction, and softly applauded. Even Lieutenant Steffler came over and shook my hand.

“Well, congratulations, I guess.” he said.

“Well, thanks, I guess.” I replied.

* * * *

There was an aftermath to all my legal proceedings. I asked my commanding officer to transfer me to any other Army base, anywhere in the world. I didn’t care where I went, as long as I went somewhere.

Colonel Konze declined my request, but did transfer me out of Headquarters. I would never be assigned to drive another vehicle in service to the US Army, or my country. I would take x-rays for the remainder of my time in the Army. And travel to Texas on the weekends.

Second Lieutenant James Steffler would unsuccessfully try to court martial two of my Army buddies, Joe Parnell and Sonny Gonzalez. He lost both cases, and if there was ever a man in my company that deserved to be court martialed, it was Sonny Gonzalez. How Steffler fucked up that case is a mystery that will never be solved.

The Army decided that being an XO was clearly beyond James Steffler’s abilities. He was promoted to first lieutenant, and put in charge of making out schedules for the Fort Sill Intramural Softball League.

Colonel Konze retired from the Army, bitterly disappointed in the way the Army treated him. He was passed over for a promotion to general. I can’t remember all the details, but he had done something years earlier that some guy who was a General at the Pentagon had never forgotten, so The Konz didn’t get a star and said, Fuck it, and quit.

Everyone else lived more or less happily ever after, I guess. Except Mike Perkins. He would be brutally beaten to death with a tire iron by Roy Bowman. Roy thought Mike had snitched him out for being a drug dealer, which Roy was. I had bought a lots of drugs from Roy back then.

I guess Roy wouldn’t live happily ever after either. He would be sentenced to ten years in prison for killing Mike to death.

No one deserves to got dead the way Mike did. No one.