It Is Hereby Resolved

I had been giving some thought about writing something like unto a Year in Review post. Then it occurred to me that the year I was going to review has already come and gone. I probably should have written that post a month ago…

Not only that, but anything of even passing interest that happened to us last year has already been documented in this blog. And everything else in the world has already been reported by other people. So, why bother?

There’s a couple of more reasons why I didn’t get around to doing it. One, it was the holiday season, and there were all those Hallmark Christmas movies to watch. We actually celebrated this Christmas. We had guests. We were busy going out to eat, sightseeing, shopping and showing them around, doing, you know, touristy stuff.

Two, I was actually busy doing guy stuff. I’ve been building things in my workshop. Everything I’ve built is storage related. I converted a coat closet in the hallway into a linen closet. I built a bunch of shelves in my workshop. I made a huge honker of a storage cabinet for the car port. I’m hardly a master craftsman, but the stuff I’ve built is solid and sturdy. It’ll last for years, unless the termites get to it.

I think there’s a law that states, The amount of stuff you have will automatically expand to fill the available storage space you have. We’re going to have to keep an eye on that. We have a lots of closets and shelves here. The last thing we need to do is collect more stuff.

I’ve also been working on maintenance projects around the house, and trying to keep up with our kit-tens. Mika has become very good at sneaking out onto the patio. She has the timing of a blitzing safety and hits the doorway just as I open it. Lea says she doesn’t have that problem with the kit-tens. They probably know better than to piss her off.

They’re also the reason I’ve had so many maintenance projects. I’ve had to repair all of the screens on the patio doors, and I’ve had to kit-ten proof a lots of stuff.

Kit-tens, like sand on the beach, get into everything! If they weren’t so cute and adorable, I’d trade them in on a herd of chickens and a chicken-herding dog. Mika and Mollie probably know I’m bluffing when I tell them that. They know Lea would never allow it.

Have you ever tried to get a kit-ten out of a chimney flue? Those were the first things I kit-ten proofed. We’re going to have to take a trip to Guadalajara soon to buy new lamps for our bedside tables in the master bedroom. Some heavy-ass lamps. Made out of boulders. And tree trunks. And sheet metal.

And I know the kit-tens aren’t malicious with the mischief they get into. They simply have an endless curiosity and way more energy and agility than anything that…domesticated…needs.

I believe our kit-tens have become the fulfillment of the curse my mother put on me, back when I was young and constantly getting in trouble. Wait until you grow up and have kids of your own. They’re going to be just…like…you! I thought I had outsmarted my mom, but it looks like she’s finally getting her revenge.

Some of you might say, Hey, wait a minute! Don’t you and Lea have kids? Lea has children. Gwen and Abigail. I have stepdaughters. They’ve rarely given me any headaches, and neither of them have ever gotten stuck in a chimney flue.

Additionally, there was golf. Well, something like unto golf…  My game hasn’t gotten any better. It probably hasn’t gotten any worse either, though I have developed an affinity for hitting trees of late. Especially on the fifteenth hole. The fairway is lined by a miniature forest of mature trees on both sides.

I think I’ve hit almost all of them the last three times I’ve been on the golf course. It’s possibly been a preview of what Hell will be like for me…

The final reason I decided not to write a retrospective on 2018 is probably the most compelling. I can’t remember what happened last week, let alone last January. That, more than anything else, convinced me to write about, well, anything else.

There were a few items of importance that happened last year that even I couldn’t forget. One of my work daughters, Nancy Rodriguez, got married. Nancy is an attractive, young latina from Yuma, AZ. Jake, her husband, is from Whitebread, WI. She has the most alabaster-sounding name in the history of Caucasianality.

Mrs. Holmberg.


She probably looks like my second grade teacher and smells like cheese curds now. Ay chingao.

My other work daughter, Brea Brichta, got knocked up.


That’s Brea and her husband, Charlie. My darling pseudo-daughters. I love and miss them both. I hope 2019 is kind to them.

* * * *

A lots of people make New Year’s resolutions. This is going to be the year they stop doing annoying stuff and start doing better stuff. You know, quit smoking. Start working out at the gym. Stop getting stuck in chimneys. Stuff like that.

I’ve never broken a New Year’s resolution, mainly because I’ve never made one. When I was a nurse, I was often asked if I wanted to go back to school and get my degree. I replied, “No, I have no desire to improve myself.”

My bosses usually didn’t see the humor in my response.

It’s not like I don’t have room for improvement. I doubt any of us look at ourselves and think we’re perfect. So, why don’t I make any New Year’s resolutions? Because I’d probably last about two weeks if I committed to making any lifestyle changes.

Historically, my life has changed, and then I adapt to it. I’ve made two conscious life changes that I can think of. I quit chewing my fingernails, and I quit drinking. Neither of those things happened on New Year’s Day.

Many, if not all New Year’s resolutions are health conscious decisions. I’ve rarely done anything to take care of myself, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Kind of by accident, Lea and I are both living a healthier life, without making a bunch of lifestyle changes.

The food is healthier here simply because it’s fresh, and not overly processed like it is in the States. We don’t go to the gym, but we stay active. Our stress levels are almost non-existent. Life is very good down here.

There just aren’t a lots of things that I feel I need to accomplish anymore. Back when I was gainfully employed, there were a few times when I wanted to win the Lottery, but I’m pretty sure that’s not something you can make a resolution to do. I probably have more money than I’ll need to live out the rest of my life comfortably, and if I get dead before Lea, she’ll be a Mexican multimillionaire.

But, don’t you want to live a long life? I have. That’s why I’m old. That’s how it works. I’m far more interested in quality than quantity.

It is hereby resolved that I’m not going to do anything to fuck up the near perfection of my life. The bottom line is If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.