A Few More…

Remember Muffy, the cute and adorable teenage farmer’s daughter?

She went to see her doctor for her first pelvic exam. She changed into an exam gown and laid on the exam table, and her legs were in the stirrups.

The doctor placed a speculum in her vagina, and she squirmed around a little in discomfort.

“You look a bit uncomfortable.” the doctor said. “Would you like something to numb that up?”

“Yes! That would be great!”

So the doctor puts his face in her crotch and says, “Num num num num num!” 😃

* * * *

A guy dies and goes to Heaven. There are two lines outside of the Pearly Gates. The sign above one line reads Men Who Were Henpecked While They Were Alive. The line below that sign was two or three miles long.

The other sign read Men Who Weren’t Henpecked While They Were Alive. There’s one guy standing under that sign.

St Peter is checking everyone in at the gates, and looks up to see this one guy standing in line all by himself.

“Excuse me,” St Peter said. “Why are you standing in that line?”

“My wife told me to.” 😅

* * * *

Three guys are killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve going home after the office Christmas party. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. In order to get into Heaven tonight, you’re going to have to show me something that represents the Christmas season. It could be anything, but it has to have something to do with Christmas, okay?”

The first guy reached in his pockets, and pulled out a cigarette lighter. He lights it and said, “Christmas candle!”

“Well, it is Christmas…” St Peter said, and let him in.

The second guy reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He jingles the keys and said, “Christmas bell?”

“That’s a bit of a stretch, but it is Christmas…” St Peter said, and let him in.

The third reached into his pockets and pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

“Tell me, young man,” St Peter said. “How do those represent Christmas?”

“These? These are…Carol’s.” 😎

* * * *

Four nuns are killed in a car accident. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates, and says, “Welcome to Heaven! Now, before I can let you in, each of you have to answer a question. And the question is, When you were alive, did you ever touch a man’s penis?”

The first nun steps up and says, “Yes, I did. But only with my fingertips, and that’s all!”

“That’s okay, Sister.” St Peter says. “Just soak your fingers in the basin of holy water over there.”

The second nun steps up and says, “I touched a penis, too. But all I did was give my boyfriend a handjob, that’s all! And then I became a nun!”

“Oh, don’t worry, Sister. Go soak your hand in the holy water.”

St Peter looks up, and the last two nuns are punching each other and pushing each other trying to get to the front of the line.

“Hey! Hey there! What’s going on here?!?” St Peter shouts, and one of the nuns says, “You don’t expect me to gargle with that stuff after she sits in it, do you?” 😓

You Want To Do What?

I’ve been way too serious of late. So, here’s one of my favorite jokes.

* * * *

A guy comes home from a long day work at the pickle factory. He has a worried look on his face, and sits down at the kitchen table. His wife comes into the kitchen, and says, “Hi honey! How was your day?”

“I’ve got a problem.” he says after a few moments. “You can’t tell anyone about this, but I really want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer at work.”

“Oh, honey! You can’t do that!” she said. Her husband had been blessed by God, if you know what I mean, and as a result, so was she. “I mean, the pickle slicer?!? That sounds like a really bad idea!!

“You think I don’t know that! It’s a really, really bad idea!”

“Well, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should see a doctor…”

“Oh, that’s great! Now you think I should see a shrink…”

“No! Not if you don’t want to, but honey, the pickle slicer…”

“I know, you’re right. I’ll tell you what. If this feeling doesn’t go away in a couple of days, I’ll go see a doctor.”

“Okay, but promise me you’ll be careful.”

The next day, the guy comes home from work. He still looks worried, and sits down at the table again. His wife rushes into the kitchen.

“How was work?” she asked, then held her breath.

“It was hell. I tried to ignore it, but I still want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer at work.”

“I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment for you. I’m really scared for your–I mean, you!”

“No, not yet. If it doesn’t get any better tomorrow, I’ll go see the doctor.”

“Okay…but promise me you’ll be careful, please! I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to your—to you.”

The next day, the guy comes home at noon. He sits down at the table, but he no longer looks worried. In fact, he has a big smile on his face.

“Honey? What’re you doing home so early? Is everything okay?”

“Honey, I tried to fight that feeling I’ve been having, but today I just said the hell with it, and I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer at work!”

“Noooooooooo!” his wife cried, and then she looked at her husband. He didn’t look like he was, you know, injured. “Well, what happened?”

“Duh! I got fired.”

“Well, what happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, she got fired, too.”

My Favorite Joke

Yep, that’s what it says. This is my favorite joke, ever. For all time.

This gal comes home, and she finds her husband sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands.

“Oh, honey! What happened? Is something wrong?”

“Yeah,” her husband replied after a moment. “I lost my job today, and if I don’t find another job soon, we’re going to lose everything! And with the economy being what it is…well, it just doesn’t look good for us”

“Well,” the gal says after a few minutes. “You know, I’m pretty good looking. I could put on that cute outfit you bought me for your birthday, and I could go stand on one of the corners downtown, and maybe I could make some extra money until you find another job”

So, the guy takes his wife downtown and puts her on a busy street corner, and then he parks across the street because this is his wife and he loves this woman. She looks really cute. She’s wearing a tight sweater with a little tartan skirt and high heel shoes. And as darling as she looks, it doesn’t take long before a guy in a sportscar pulls up.

“Hey, baby. I’m looking for some action. How much would it cost to have sex with you?”

“Um, just a minute,” And she runs across the street and tells her husband. “Honey, this guy wants to have sex with me! How much should I charge him?”

“A hundred bucks!” he says, and his wife runs back across the street.

“Hey, big boy, got a hundred bucks?” The guy shakes his head. “Um, just a minute.” and she runs across the street again. “He doesn’t have a hundred bucks, what should I do?”

“Ask him if he has twenty bucks, give him a blowjob.” So she runs across the street again.

“Hey handsome, got twenty bucks? I can give you a blowjob.”

“Hell yeah, I’ve got twenty bucks!” the guy says. She gets in the car. The guy unzips his fly and he…has…a…huge…cock!

“Um, just a minute!” And she runs across the street once more and asks, “Honey, can you loan this guy eighty bucks?”